Did I say “Crap” too much?

Posted: January 6, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

We all have faults. I am no different from the next person. In fact, I may have more flaws than the average man, which according to my wife is far more flaws than the average woman. Okay, she didn’t say it out loud, but using my Jedi powers of perception, I am absolutely positive that she was thinking it and probably ususally thinks it.

I don’t know why my flaws exist, and no matter how many times I shower, I can’t seem to get rid of them. One of my flaws is the need to organize things that bug the crap out of me even though it’s not mine. Let me elaborate. My family of five is currently living with my parents. Yes, you could say we have been removed from our comfort zone for a number of months. Actually, combining homes has been tough but very rewarding for all of us, including my parents. One of the results of moving into someone else’s home is what I refer to as the compounding crap principle.

Basically, when you take your own crap and move it into another home that is already at its crap quota, then the Compounding Crap Principle is initiated. One might think that by adding one family you simply double the amount of crap, but the CC Principle actually states that by doubling your crap in such a short period of time actually breaks the fabric of the space-time continuum, resulting in somewhere between five times and a million times the amount of crap you had initially. It’s like in the movie Gremlins. That little cute Gizmo didn’t look too bad, but then a little food and BOOM! Yeah, the Compounding Crap Principle (CCP) is something like that, only the crap doesn’t put dogs in microwaves and try to kill people… well… not directly, but I digress.

My parents reached their G.S.C.Q (Governemnt Standard Crap Quota) around 2011. But in 2013, my father retired. Since their household now has two retirees, the government standard for crap goes up substantially. In some cases, the crap quota can rise for double retirees by as much as 300 percent, and if there is an organization that understands crap, both creating it and measuring it, it’s the government of the United States. Don’t worry, I rented a storage facility to house most of my family’s crap, so we won’t be dealing with an investigation into our crap quota by the IRS. My parents are Democrats, so the IRS would overlook a minor crap infraction on their part; however, our cats our Tea Party so we thought a storage unit was better than an IRS inquiry.

Oh, that’s right, we were talking about my flaws. I visit the pantry of our house daily in search of a salty snack. Every time I step into the pantry of my parents’ house, I step on crap on the floor. I can’t find things because of crap on the shelves. So, I decided to “fix” the pantry; I wanted to remove crap and make the pantry a better place to visit. I removed candy that had expired in 2008, there was marshmallow spread that had actually separated into black oil and white crap which expired in 2002 (fortunately it was sealed, and what in the world would you use marshmallow spread for), and there was a box of some kind of drink mix that had an advertisement for a sweep stakes that had to have postmarked entries by January 1, 1995. I also found two green pot lids from the 1970s that matched two pots my parents quit using in 1983.


Here are the lessons I have learned from the expedition through my parents’ pantry:
1. Don’t take crap with you when you move. My parents are in their third house since 1983, which means those pot lids were transported with the rest of the house.
2. If crap does make the move, get rid of it as you unpack it.
3. Remove crap when you see it. Crap left alone to its own devices will multiply.
4. Don’t reorganize your parents’ crap when you move into their house for an extended period of time, even if they go to another state for a couple months and you think you are doing a service to your family and your country because somehow it will cause a fight with your wife. (I can’t go into any more detail about it at this time or I would be in deep crap.)

So my New Year’s resolution is “stay out of other people’s crap, don’t take crap from anyone (except my wife), and crap stinks.” The third part really isn’t a resolution, but it is definitely true. Happy New Year!

  1. Vicki says:

    I agree. Moving stuff that is useless makes absolutely no sense to me. Why would anyone want to clutter up a new home with stuff that makes you feel overwhelmed and crowded from your old home? Good for you for tackling the pantry!

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